List of the Week: Top 15 Fantasy Foods

The fantasy genre is always improving on real life, and food is no exception.  The fact that readers/audiences can never actually taste these tasty treats makes these 15 foods no less desirable.  When writing your fantasy story, you should always feel free to come up with new and/or impossible flavor sensations.  This list should help give you some ideas.

1) Wonka’s Three-Course Dinner Gum

Wonka: Don’t you know what this is?
Violet: By gum, it’s gum.
Wonka: Wrong! It’s the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.
Violet: What’s so fab about it?
Wonka: This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner.
Mr. Salt: Bull.
Wonka: No, roast beef. But I haven’t got it quite right yet.

Who wouldn’t want a pocket-sized pack of three-course flavor combinations at your fingertips at all times?  Gourmet meals at the office; in the car; while you’re talking on the phone…and all contained in a 15 calorie, fat free stick of gum.  Knowing Wonka, the food pairings would be fantastic, and the whole thing would end on a show stopper of a dessert course.  Instead of chain-smoking, our society would become chain-chewers.  And I’m okay with that.

2) Lembas

Thanks to the elves’ secrecy, no one really knows what Lembas is, other than the fact that it’s highly nutritious and has a long shelf life.  I always imagined its look and texture was kind of like matzo or maybe those Magic Pop puffed rice circles they sell in grocery store kiosks.  But I figured its taste had to be pleasantly carbohydrate-y and salty, kind of like a Frito.  Even though Sam and Frodo get tired of it, it couldn’t have tasted too bad.  Elves wouldn’t be capable of making anything less than awesome.  I mean, have you seen Lothlorien?

3) Butterbeer

Yes, I have been to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando and tried their version of Butterbeer, but I know that the real kind Harry, Ron, and Hermione drink is probably ten times better.  Rowling describes it as “a little bit like less-sickly butterscotch.”  It comes either hot or cold, it’s slightly alcoholic, and it costs two sickles per glass.  I’d like to live in a world where, for the price of 1 galleon, I could wake up Saturday morning hungover from Butterbeer wondering whose robes I’m wearing and why the last spell my wand did was a charm to make Daniel Radcliffe take me to the Yule Ball.

4) Gummiberry Juice

Gummiberry Juice was the magical beverage created by the Gummi Bears on my television during the ’80s and ’90s.  When the Gummi Bears drank the juice they could bounce like Tigger; when humans or ogres drank it they got super strength.  Though, like Tolkien’s elves, the Gummi Bears guarded their secret, somehow the recipe has since been leaked onto Wikipedia:

“The juice is produced by adding six handfuls of red berries, then four orange berries, three purple berries, four blue berries, three green berries and one yellow berry. The recipe ends with the 3-step-stir: first stir slow to the right, then slow to the left, then tap the pot to banish the bubbles.”

Easy enough.  Too bad my local supermarket is out of yellow gummiberries.

5) Alice’s “EAT ME” cakes

Animated confections always look so damn enticing.  The frosting is so perfect and colorful.  Though I’m not sure I would trust any food from Wonderland, especially those demanding that I eat them, these would tempt me.  Look at the charming little containers they come in!  Sure, eating them might transform you into a giant or shrink you into nothing, but there are other possibilities too.  One little nibble could give you Midas-like abilites or could make you the next Queen of Hearts.  People play with their food all the time…why not gamble with it too?

6) Ambrosia

No list of this kind would be complete without the food of the gods that gives the eater immortality.  I imagine ambrosia as a syrupy foam or honeycomb…something sweet and decadent and completely foreign to our ideas of typical nourishment.  However, as I’ve learned from many a summer picnic, this is what mortals have termed ambrosia: mini marshmallows, fruit cocktail, coconut, and Cool Whip.  Though it’s interesting to imagine the ancient Greek gods as 1970s midwestern housewives, I think the gods might be insulted.

7) Melange aka “Spice”

Frank Herbert invented Melange in his Dune series as a drug that increases longevity in the consumer and gives him or her heightened perception.  It’s not exactly a food, but it does taste and smell like cinnamon and is colloquially referred to as spice, so it’s close enough.  If you like exotic food this one’s for you, as it is created from the “fungal excretions” of sandworms.  As Rachel Ray would say, “Yum-o.”

8 ) “The Gray Stuff” from Beauty and the Beast

In “Be Our Guest” Lumiere tells Belle, “Try the gray stuff, it’s delicious.  Don’t believe me?  Ask the dishes!”  Though it looks pretty unappealing, I trust Lumiere’s tastes.  He is French after all and seems to have a taste for the finer things in life (like that French maid feather duster).  The gray stuff is probably one of those things that looks disgusting but will totally rock your world, like caviar.  Though I’m willing to try it on Lumiere’s recommendation, I do not trust “the dishes” he also cites as big fans of the gray stuff.  The dishes do not have mouths even in Beauty and the Beast, so I doubt they have tastebuds.

9) Scooby Snacks

I was always unclear about Scooby Snacks: are they people food or dog treats?  Both Shaggy and Scooby-Doo inhale them with equal gusto, so I really don’t know.  Wikipedia tells me producer William Hanna imagined they tasted like a caramel-flavored cookie, which makes it seem like human food.  But in Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins! we learn that Shaggy invented the recipe, and it included flour, sugar, and dog kibble, which makes it clearly dog food.  However, I find this later explanation of Scooby Snacks problematic.  If Shaggy invented the recipe, that would make him the genius behind the Scooby Snack corporation, and why would a millionaire entrepreneur let himself become the shlub that Shaggy is?  If he invested a small portion of his profits in a personal trainer and cosmetic surgeon he could have made Fred look like the doofus loser of the gang.

Read on for Foods 10-15!

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